The Man Sucks - An Abuse Victim's Vent

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The Man Sucks - One Woman's Vent to an Abusive Ex

I don't care who sees this page, and I don't care what they think of me. You have told them so many twisted lies about me that it really doesn't matter anymore. People who can't see the truth aren't those I want to associate with anyway. You know a very sagacious and wise man nicknamed 'Swami' once said "Let's not burn our bridges" ... he was talking about you making the decision to walk out on your boss, Joe (whom you cut down to the absolute lowest - like you did everyone else in this town [let's be honest for once]!). Well, he was right and you didn't walk out on Boss Joe (praise be for Swami!) ... but this time you burned a bridge big time, and your 'sage' wasn't there to give you the ability to think. You can never undo what you have done to me, so let this page be a reminder to you that when you set out to destroy good people to save your own face, sometimes your lies will be called upon. Consider this your calling card.

All I wanted was an apology and an acknowledgement from you to what you have done to me. You have 'delusioned' yourself into believing things that are all made up in your head. I am a good person. I always treated you well. I am not a predator who 'devours' as you scream. You need to recognize the mean and cruel and totally made up lies and insults you have 'bestowed' upon me - and about me. I have never for one second deserved the horrible abuse you dished out. Not one of your beliefs is factual. You were loved, cherished, adored, and spoiled. You gave nothing back but insults and hateful words; a never-ending onslaught of abusive actions spewing from you. Your reality is twisted. You have never, ever sat in the 'light of truth' except in your own mind. Your whole world is a lie.

Just like you did with your exwives, you invent things in your head about me. You try to hate everything about me, even if you have to twist the reality of me to fit into your demented, distorted, maniacal way of thinking. Yes, you did it with your last wife, too. You constantly told me how much you hated her friends, her lifestyle, her dreams, her birthday presents from her friends (!? - you make all your mates your 'rival' and then get jealous if they get more attention than you - even if it is on their birthday), her hopes, her accomplishments, her assets, her jewelry, her car, her perfume. Her. You cut that poor woman down non-stop. Then you cheated on her! In a bar parking lot, backseat. How classy. How many times? My heart goes out to her. Were you abusive to her, too, for all those years, like you were to me? You FORCE yourself to hate people that you love, because you are scared of love. You are too afraid to love someone because you can't bear the thought of sharing your lime-light, or risking rejection ... so you make yourself hate them. That way they are always the 'bad' one, and never you.

In your drunken rants you have pulled guns on me and my children and you have also threatened repeatedly to kill them. "I have a gun, I will kill them..." I, in return, did your artwork, paid for your studio time, rented you limos, paid for your insurance, your newspaper ads, your satellite radio (still do) & TV, your bills, your food, your home, your trips, your utilities, your recording equipment, your computer, your wedding ring, your life. I stood by you through thick and thin. I patiently listened to your crocodile tears, and pretended right along with you in public that they were real. I put up with your faked impotence. I tolerated you keeping me constantly starving for kindness and affection. I took your daily insults and bitter, insane anger at the 'world'. Your constant scolding and screaming at me both in public (which you did for the benefit of thinking you were making 'me' look bad) and in private. Your weeks and weeks of silent treatment. Your segregation. Your writing 'psycho-bitch' on my car. You hitting me. Your temper tantrums, your tearing up the yard. Your insanely kicking down the real estate sign and yelling at me to never list with 'that goatrider' again. Your fake phone calls to your friends late at night - you know the phone calls that were meant to scare and intimidate me? "Hello...it's me. Remember what we talked about? Remember the plan? Well, it's time. Get everybody together and get over here now..." you know ... the calls that made me leave my own house out of fear for my life. You yelling in a parking lot to people that I f*d my son, or that I robbed you of your identity (which you still tell to anybody who will listen). You telling me (OVER AND OVER AGAIN) that everybody hates me and has to get up and leave the room when I walk in. You getting off the gig at 9 p.m. and coming home at four in the morning and then screaming at me for years to come because the door was locked. Yes, let the truth be known. This was my reality.

You complain that I am driving a new car and you are driving an old van. Here's the 'reality'. I am driving a car (the only one I own - not a 'fleet' of brand-new cars as you tell your 'friends'!) that is seven years old and which "I", and not "YOU" paid $900 dollars a month on for six years. The car has over 120,000 miles on it (most of which you put on it) and the transmission is out on it. Can't you 'see' reality anymore? You never, ever gave a penny to this house, the bills, the food, the vehicles you drove every day, or me. ONE time you bought bathroom tissue, ya, you bought toilet paper, and you kept it LOCKED UP in the back of your van so nobody else could use it!

Your ego is so big that you would rather be on stage in front of your 'fans' than by your wife's side during the birth - OR BURIAL - of your child! And God bless the poor woman in a relationship with you that wants to see you during your break and interfere with your ego-feeding frenzy of flirting time with your 'fans'! Speaking of fans, for every one person that goes into 'YOUR' club to see you, there are five hundred that don't (boy do I hear that all the time!). If you were to stop 'playing' there the place would be packed.

Here's the point of this whole page: You asked me to remove my webpage. I said "is there anything else you want to say?" I was thinking that maybe, just once, on an off-chance - it wouldn't be about YOU. You reply (after eight years of me standing by YOU and supporting YOU and YOUR dreams - and putting up with YOUR insanity! [yes, I did]), "yes, I want no further contact with you"

well, guess what!?
contact with you i have NOT had (you hearing things again?)
the sound of your voice
fills me with repugnance
your sick words cut to the core
they echo in my mind
and will forever do so

i can't stand to hear your name
it sickens me beyond belief
i can't stand to see your face
your insane outbursts still haunt me in my sleep
you have stolen so much from me
chewed me up and spit me out
why on earth would i want to 'contact' you?
you are nothing but a 'has-never-been'

there is absolutely NOTHING about you that is real and truth

get over yourself - stop romanticizing yourself, everyone else has

you make me sick

it's always all about you, isn't it?

you may be good at your game, but you don't have as many people fooled as you think you do

I could name 'names' of every one of the people in your life that you have cut down (to me). Greg, Dana, Charles, Sandy and her husband (and his brother), Joe, Tina, Bob, Tommy, John, Jeanie, Betty, T, Randy, Rosemary, Steve, the Thursday night bikers (and, especially, their kids) at the place where you gig... everyONE ... I got all the goods on you! - but why bother? You will fool them into thinking I am the nut. They would not believe me, and I personally could care less. Guess what? Maybe me writing this for all to see after keeping all this bottled up inside me for years does make me look nuts. But, who cares? I don't. So screw you!

"I have many good friends that have gotten me through this heart ATTACK." (If only they knew what you say about them behind their back!) But what I want to know is 'what' heart attack? There was NO heart 'attack'! Just another way of you needing attention to keep the narcissist in you supplied. "Her kids are nuts and I fear for my life" ... What the f? My kids PITIED you and convinced me to stay with you because they (erroneously) loved you! How dare you make up such lies!

You sit over there in your litter-cluttered Ivory Tower (like father like son; isn't that right N Jr?) on your self-imposed pity-pot and blame me for everything that is wrong in the world. It must be nice to be so completely innocent of ANY WRONG-DOING, huh? In the meantime, I am left here alone to face and deal with the reality of life. The bills. The dogs. The house. Your chewed-up, spit-out leftover crap. You have dumped 'real life' on me, and then locked yourself up in self-righteous indignation. Poor you, you have an old car. Poor you, you have to pay insurance for the first time ever as of this month. Poor you. Poor you, you had to actually pay a BILL - your first ever! Poor you. And all your poor you problems are all my fault, aren't they? Surely, blaming me because your van is old is justifiable. Poor poor you. It's all just sooooooo unjust isn't it? Isn't it, you self-absorbed, egomaniacal IGNORANT waste-of-life?

NOTE (excerpt taken with permission to use and 'alter' from the Lifted Hearts Community): Like all abusers you have a way of twisting things around, and turning issues around, so much so that the women in your life start to feel like they really are going crazy. One of the ways people like you do this is called 'projection'. For all those future Mrs. Bar hopefuls that may be reading this (I'm sure your hungry ego is working on fake charming a few), I will tell them that 'projection' is a process where the abuser takes all his own issues, faults, or flaws, and projects them onto you. It is strange how well he can do this. If you are smart enough you will see that what he says about you (in the future - right now he's still showing you the fake charm) is more likely what he, himself, is guilty of.

The problem is so many of us that are abused eventually begin to believe that we are horrible or crazy. I know I did for a while. This is what happens to victims of emotional, verbal, psychological, or mental abuse. We start to feel depressed, inferior, etc. You don't see it happening...it sneaks up on you so slowly that you don't even hear it coming. We walk away from the confrontation - or the relationship - feeling ugly; shameful; needy; insecure; incapable; clumsy; inadequate; can't measure up; unlovable and unloved; nagging; jealous; brow-beating; over-controlling; fat/skinny; butchy; bitchy; insulting; uncaring; stupid; unpopular; and more. I know I walked away from this OFWM feeling this way. It's been a year and I am just now starting to be able to laugh again.

Believe me, the words that were said to me by this OFWM more readily applied to him. Controlling. Angry. Bitter. Manic-depressive. Self-centered. Self-pitying. Self-absorbed. Demanding. Never happy. Mistrusting. Unloyal. Dramatic. Out of control. Insecure. Uncaring. Predator. Exaggerating.

You know, I simply had a webpage about abuse (by the way this is now my new webpage thanks to your self-focused, one-way distorted thought process). If you found parallels between yourself and an abuser, so be it (just to prove a point, if you didn't notice it in your speciosity that webpage was written by ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D and credit was given to such at the bottom. I did not write that page!).. But to be so abusive about it, and so ME, ME, ME about it - well! People really need to know what a phony you are. Even to your own family. You are one sick man. I thought about what I would say here. After the silent abuse I took from you for years to protect your fake public identity. The abuse so deep that I had a suicide letter written to each of my children. Abuse so deep that I ended up in the hospital and abuse so deep that I got shingles. But you never saw the result of what you did - you were too busy making up lies about me and my children to protect yourself from being at fault, and too busy absorbed in your martyrdom. Too busy with protecting your self-image to see that you, yourself, can't even see the truth anymore. But when I finally mustered up the nerve to leave you - to leave MY OWN HOUSE and CHILDREN just to get away from the hell of you - I still thought I had to protect you, and for some BLIND, unknown reason you still had my devotion, too (can you say Stockholm Syndrome?).

Yes, I could have sat here and wrote of the damage you have done to me, or to other's in your life, because of your lack of soul. But you wouldn't have heard those words because they would haven't been about YOU - but rather about ME or THEM - and you only do 'YOU'. You are too into 'self' to see anything outside of 'you'. (Point in hand, the eve of my friend Neet's memorial service when everybody went next store to the club after the service, you later shallowly told me "What a horrible gig to get through, playing to all those gloomy people. I don't know why those people had to go there and ruin my night." ) So, hey, I'm just telling it like it is about YOU. I know you will listen to these words because I'm writing about 'YOU'...and I'm sure you will listen to it with the narcissistic reaction of "what will people think about me should they read this" and not with the human factor of "wow, did I really do that to her - almost drive her to suicide?" You created a world of hell and devastation, but that doesn't matter to you because some nameless person wants to hear a song that you now have to learn because you are all about impression to strangers and acceptance by people that aren't really that important in reality...or maybe the hell and devastation doesn't matter to you because your van needs oil. All I know is you have no soul, just a fake phony image. You spread vicious, cruel lies about me and my children to protect your fabricated persona. Your whole world is a lie and your whole life from thirteen up has been a sham. Take away your 'phony' charm and your guitar (which, by the way, the older you get (black balloons) the more ridiculous your exaggerated overplaying looks - stomach turning) and you don't even have substance.

It's about time I stood up for myself and stopped taking your insane crap! I tried to understand you for so long...I thought maybe 'early Alzheimer's' or even thought that maybe lack of oxygen to your brain during surgery or from clogged arteries caused you to go even more haywire than you already were...but hey, there is NO making sense of the senseless. Why don't you go back to where you spawned from you paranoid schizophrenic?

Since I know you so well I'm sure right about now you are devising all kinds of evil ways to get back at me for this ranging from murder to car theft - revenge is your forte. Didn't you use to always threaten to get your 'biker' friends to beat my children and I up? But, I got SHIT on you, lots and lots of CRAP on you. Remember that, you self-focused, oblivious monster.

Nothing about you is healthy or normal. Rot in hell, you hostile OFWM (old, fat, washed-up mouse).

this page will remain until you acknowledge a healthy reality. In other words...

this page will remain until the hell you put me through freezes over

Break Free From Their Spell! - and stop that magical hold they have over you...